Even though I am someone that I never thought anyone would really care knowing about, as part of this work I wish to show you a bit about how I developed my long and tumultuous relationship with The Voice Of Darkness. Through doing this I can show you how it is that The Voice of Light was able to reach me in my darkest moments.
Born at 00.52 on the 27/04/1983 I grew up the youngest of 4 children with two older brothers and an older sister who were 8, 7, and 2.5 years older than me respectively. My mum had been told after my sister that she shouldn’t have anymore children and she had been due to be sterilised but in the end she missed her appointment, and so I ended up being conceived. We lived in a 3 bedroom council house in a small town called Bicester in Oxfordshire, my parents were working class people and although we weren’t rich, we weren't poor. I never once went hungry or without clothes and we were always well provided for.
I was really poorly growing up as a child and suffered with bad asthma and I would often be ill and having asthma attacks. I also suffered with speech problems and had to attend speech therapy as result. My siblings and I would often fight one another and as I was the youngest I was the one that often got hurt the most. I would usually be sporting some nice bruises to show for my troubles. This toughened me up though for a world that I didn’t know at the time was going to be so hard.
As a child life was not always easy but it always seemed mostly fun and rather carefree, this however was about to come tumbling down as I hit my adolescents and discovered I was different to other guys. When my left testicle did not descend properly and my flaccid penis was shrivelled, looking at my manhood disgusted me, and I felt completely inadequate as a man. To me it looked so hideous that I was terrified to let anyone else see it. One time another friend of mine saw it and all through school he would ridicule me for it. I do not blame him because that is how people were, and how I would have been to someone else.
It felt like I was carrying round a dirty secret that ate me alive and even when I felt good my mind would often wonder back to this and at the time it felt like nothing else mattered when that was wrong with me. It felt like that was what was going to define me in life, a failure who got it wrong from the very start, a loser born broken as a freak. At secondary school appearance played a vital role in popularity and to feel so ugly I had severe confidence issues that I masked through bullying others that were different.
For much of my secondary school life I was not a very nice person, I used to bully others both physically and mentally. I was always preying on those physically weaker, the more vulnerable ones, those that I knew I could dominate. I made others’ lives miserable because I felt miserable, when I picked on others it made me feel better about myself, at least temporarily. In truth I was lost and desperately needed help, but the thing that truly plagued me was a secret so personal I felt I just couldn’t open up to anyone about it.
This was before the days of the internet and mental health problems were not as openly accepted or talked about, still to this day there is a stigma despite the progress being made. I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with my testicle and I was too scared to find out. For the majority of my life after I hit my adolescents I have suffered with depression and reoccurring suicidal thoughts. I have had some amazing times but underlying it was this voice of negativity, which was always seeing the glass half empty, never truly letting me enjoy my life. It was incessant, dominant, a plague, a fog that never lifted choking me with its noxious fumes.
Here is how I felt as I was undergoing my adolescent’s; -
“There I was, 12 years old…still just a boy, crying uncontrollably alone in my room, punching myself repeatedly in the legs, and screaming in my head why me? Why me? Why me? Why I am here? I hate this fucking place, I am horrible, I am disgusting, I am worthless. What is the point of life but to suffer? Why was I born here? Why in this one and only chance at life that we get was I born a complete freak? How can anyone ever love me like this? They just couldn’t I concluded and so I’m destined to be alone on this planet, a desperate loser, a joke of a person.”
I so desperately wanted to commit suicide, I would fantasize over and over again about going to the train track and laying on the track and just waiting for it to end. I would think ‘that would teach my parents how much pain I’m feeling, make them suffer like I do’. Yet I was too scared of death to actually carry it through, and so once again my inner voice taunted me laughing manically and saying ‘you’re too weak to even do that, you are pathetic and not even worthy of death.’ And so the feelings of self-hatred spiralled out of control, I hated myself and I hated the world.
Living inside of me there was a psychotic demon, an angry angry character that occasionally took over me completely. It wanted revenge on the world, it was bitter and cold towards others, and would tell me “they don’t care about you, no one does, you are on your own in this world and never forget it. People are evil, greedy and selfish, they are only interested in helping themselves, make them pay for what life has done to you” Living with this voice was torturous and it always plagued me “why if it’s me am I bullying my own self so much?” I thought maybe it was just me and I was born broken, that my mind was broken in the same way as my testicle.
When I was 16 (during a 6th form social) whilst being blind drunk I got beaten up so badly that I had an out of body experience, and I watched from above as I was being kicked repeatedly in the head. I could see that it was not good but was powerless to do anything about it. I no longer had any control over my body and was just a sitting duck. One of the guys that did it stole my phone and socks, and this event was like throwing petrol onto a fire. It made an already aggressive person lose control. At the end of the year I dropped out of 6th form to go to college.
During my college years I met up with a great group of friends but during this time we started going out drinking alcohol and getting into fights. I was the main protagonist always seeking out trouble, and I would regularly get into fights and heated verbal exchanges. This was the crazy way I dealt with feeling inadequate and insignificant as a man; - to fight and hurt other people and often get hurt myself as a result.
One night when I was almost 19 I was out in a bar in Oxford called Yates celebrating a friend’s birthday. I was in a typically highly aggressive and provocative mood after sinking a load of booze. We were upstairs and I walked up to a table with a group of about 4 guys who were all older than me, and I started drinking one of their pints. One of the guys looked at me shocked and said “what are you doing that’s my pint” I walked towards him and held the pint up and said “what this?” as I then proceeded to pour it all out and onto his shoes. At this point my mate stepped in and said to the other guy “you better leave it mate or he will kill you” and so he did.
Shortly after this we walked down stairs and onto the dance floor which ran adjacent to the front window where the queue was. We were dancing away when I glanced outside to see this guy in the queue looking at me, infuriated and in a blind rage I tell my friend that the guy outside was 'looking at me funny' and laughing at us. I strongly suggested that we go outside and “sort him out”. So we leave the bar and I march straight up to him spewing with anger and seeking out trouble. I ask him what his problem is, and he tells me to “go away”, his girlfriend gets involved and I tell her to “shut up you bitch”.
At this point my friend says to her “you’re not a bitch are you?” and he put his hand towards her face to gently grab her mouth in a sarcastic manner, and the guy steps in to push him away. This was what I had been waiting for and was like a waving a red flag at a bull. I launch a punch straight towards his face, I then grab his coat and hit him twice more in the face and he stumbles back barely able to stand, with his face bloodied. At this point the police turn up and I calmly claim he was the one that attacked me, the police take my details but we leave and the next day I didn’t put much more thought into it.
Yet a few days later I received a phone call from the police and it turned out he was pressing charges. I then spent the next 9 months going through court until 31.10.02 when I got charged with ABH (Actual Bodily Harm) in Oxford Crown Court. I received a large fine and a criminal record. I knew if I got caught doing it again I may well go to jail.
After going through the ordeal of court and then struggling to find work because of my record I attempted to join the Army, and I came very close to signing up for the infantry. Having passed the written tests, I was rejected due to my asthma. At the time it was another blow and the rejection hit me hard. This however turned out to be a great blessing as I wanted to join for the wrong reasons (to take out my anger on my so called enemies when my enemy was me and my anger.)
After my conviction I did start to calm down but would still occasionally fight when drunk. On one fateful night on the way back home from a night out in Oxford I stepped off the bus to fight a guy I had been arguing with on the way. As I stepped off the bus 3 guys seemed to appear out of nowhere and the one in the middle was holding a pool cue.
Before I knew it he had smashed me across the face with it full pelt. I stumbled backwards with blood exploding out of my nose and mouth. I turned to get straight back on the bus and thank God the driver let me on. If the bus had left that night I may not have been here writing these words, but as fate would have it life was teaching me a rather painful lesson about violence that I needed to understand.
(I know my behaviour was awful and that I was a thug, yet it was only by going through that, that I could go onto write this book. I could not talk about the darkness unless I became the darkness, by overcoming the darkness I could help others do the same. A large part of what helped shape me was something I was born with and now I can no longer blame myself for that. However, I do take responsibility and own ALL that I am; - good and bad)
I began smoking copious amounts of cannabis to deaden me to the pain of how I felt about life and instantly I loved the way being high detached me from that voice of torment. In its place was a more loving voice, one that seemed to be more caring about me, the world and life itself.
"Cannabis opens the heart and sensitizes us to others."
-The Light of Love, Seven Lights of Cannabis Wisdom, Poem by Alex Grey
For the first time in my adult life I felt a bit of peace from my anger. Whereas at the time alcohol brought out in me my dark and violent side and put the bad part of me in control. With too much liquor inside of me I could become a monster and I had no control over what I was doing.
As time progressed due to my love of cannabis I decided to experiment with psychedelics, this was due to be one of the most vital decisions in the path I was set to walk. Right from the very beginning on my first proper magic mushroom trip I felt like I had been reborn and that all that pain I was carrying began to transmute into gold dust. I began to forget all I had learnt about me and life from the darkness and began to see life in a completely new light.
I began to become more loving, compassionate and empathetic, the desire to hurt others gave way to a yearning to help them. An anger and hatred of god gave way to a complete love and trust in God and therefore in ALL of us. Suddenly I realised how alive the world around me was, it was like I was seeing in colour for the first time in my life. Everyone and everything became a part of me and I realised just how glorious we truly are as a collective symphony.
Yet I still faced some challenging times along the way; - in 2010 I had an operation to correct my testicle and bring it down into the scrotum and it ended up going wrong. The cord that was attached to my testicle had not grown properly in my early development and this led to them having to put in a plastic cup in my groin to stop the testicle from popping back up there. However, my testicle would constantly and painfully rub and push against the plastic. It got infected shortly after the operation when I was on holiday in Turkey, and the pain was so bad I thought I would have to fly back.
It felt like my testicle was on fire and was so intense I would fantasise about chopping it off with a knife to feel some relief. I got over the infection eventually but the pain was always there gnawing away at me. I lost the ability to feel any pleasure having an orgasm and the thought of sex scared me. It was also during this time that my dad suffered a life changing brain aneurysm and almost died and he ended up in hospital for 6 months. To compound the situation I was also suffering with chronic pain in my neck that had been getting worse since 2008. This was exasperated by my office job and was another source of misery in my life.
On one Thursday after spending all week at work my neck was so tense and painful I felt nauseous, and my testicle had been rubbing all day. I got home and just went straight into my room and broke down. I lay sobbing into my pillow saying to life “I’ve tried to be good why am I suffering so much?” and in that moment I begged God that they would find cancer in my testicle which had spread when I had it removed and that I could just leave this place and come home. I reasoned with God saying “I have played my part; I can be of no more use here so please just end my pain, please have mercy and put me out of this misery.”
As it turned out life had other plans for me, and I now realise that what I went through was a beautiful gift. I came to see that although things can seem impossibly bleak in one moment it doesn’t mean that the next wont restore your faith in miracles. You reading this now is a miracle and I couldn’t be anymore grateful to you for fulfilling it for me. In you I see something so special that makes me realise that it is the story that we all share that makes life so worthwhile.
Thankfully my dad survived yet he has been left with no functioning short term memory. I had my left testicle removed on the 4th of July 2011 (American Independence Day) The synchronicity made me smile, my right testicle was now independent. The pain relief was so immense that the pain from where I had it cut off felt pleasurable and I treasured it. This effected my sex drive, and I was no longer interested in sex yet this turned out to be great because my time and focus was needed elsewhere.
After my awakening during the two weeks of Dec-21- Jan 4th 2012/13 I began a communion with Life/God and how I saw Life/God began to change dramatically. Over the 4 years since this conversation began information has arrived in ebbs and flows. I will be pondering a question and life will answer it in the most amazing of ways. In life’s answers there are always new questions.
I felt unhappy and miserable when I was violent and angry and that’s why I acted that way, now I feel happy and I am free to be myself. It is my intention that these words show you that if someone that has been as angry and violent as me can talk to Life then so can you. I have been both good and evil, light and dark, yet it has made me stronger and more complete as a result.
Life has taught me that you can’t change your past and that without it you could not be in this most treasured present moment. It is when you own your past that you gain the strength to make the most of the present. When you are at peace with you were you can be who truly are. When you view yourself and life differently who you are can change in an instant, and that’s what this awakening will do for humanity.
Not Science, nor religion, maths or technology will save the world, only one thing can do that and that is unconditional love. Without this I would still be lost and angry, yet when you love the whole of who you are you feel the love of the whole within you. This love is not the kind that wears off, it is a constant stream of love flowing within and without you as you recognise yourself in the whole of creation. This love makes the bitter sweet, turns pain into joy, and makes the darkness bright.
It is through experiencing the worst in myself that I could come to truly appreciate the good in me, and I knew that only by experiencing both can we choose to be either. By delving deep into the darkness I found the light, and through suffering I became awakened. It was only by having a conversation with The Voice Of Darkness that I could come to know the sweet sound of The Voice Of Light. Love is truth and beauty, and for it I would march right into hell and face the Devil.
“Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you've been given, the door will open.” —Rumi
I would take facing my fears to feel love every time, and that is why I would come here and show what it really means when the world is in the darkness of the night. I was a child of the darkness born during the night, but I will become a man of the light in the light of day.
No matter what the darkness made you do through the night, in the day you can choose to be something new. By becoming love and shining your light into the world you become free of the darkness, and the pain that came with it. Everything has happened for a reason and people have been compelled to do what they did, yet with light comes consciousness.
Even those who have done the worst of things can change in a world that’s changing. When there is a shift of consciousness on a mass level a new reality is born. With it a change in the airwaves as the Voice Of The Light takes over and an age of love and peace, cooperation and reason begins.
During the creation of this book I was working for my local Sainsbury’s stacking shelves on the night shift. It seemed very synchronistic that I had the idea of the night come when I was working on the night shift. Whilst others slept I was doing what needed to be done in more ways than one.
During my 2 and a half years of working their part time (whilst writing this book) I have listened to a large selection of music and this has hugely influenced my work. It was like I was working both jobs at the same time; - my body was stacking the shelves, yet my mind was thinking about the book. During the writing of this book it was always on my mind, it became an obsession and I knew I could not stop until the work was done. if ever I stopped I would feel depressed and get suicidal thoughts.
My whole life has seemed imperfect in so many ways just like me but that’s exactly what made me so perfect for delivering this message to you. Life always teaches you to expect the unexpected, and I am the very antithesis of who you may have expected to have written a book like this with a message of love and peace.
I don’t care about being the best but in helping get the best out of others, and that was my intention with this work of art that was so close to my very heart. What I have revealed here about my past and particularly about my darkest secret (my testicle) was the last things I ever would have imagined sharing with anyone let alone everyone. These were my most fiercely guarded secrets for so long. Yet in this story it was these things that made me who I am and which acted as the driving force behind my book. What was my greatest curse became my greatest treasure, and now instead of cursing life for making me feel different, I thank life for giving me this wonderful blessing, because truly it is a gift. By going through pain you can help heal the pain in others, which turns pain to joy.
The Voice Of Light told me that I undertook this journey of hardship, of anger and alienation with the intent of helping to light up the world through my example. By transmuting the darkness in my own life I could help light up the world and that is what this book is about. When we all shine together the power of the day is born and universal love fills the hearts of all the worlds people. There is no greater truth than love, and it will not be denied come the light of the day.
A planet that is awakened to the vibration of love is a magical time and place to be alive, congratulations what you have in store will deliver so much more than what came before. It will be impossible to ignore forever more the glory of our story. Light and Dark dancing together in the ark, a grey baby is born out of the storm, delivering us something out of the norm.
My story now leads to you, and that fills me with great joy and excitement, this book has been a long time in the making but with patience and perseverance I knew when it was finally finished it meant that the return of the morning sun was upon us.
A quote that is attributed to Aristotle says; -
“Where the needs of the world and your talents cross, there lies your vocation.”
And whether he said it or not there is great wisdom found in these words, and it feels this is why I was called to write this book at this time. As Justin Bieber sang on the song “Let Me Love You” by DJ Snake; -
“All that we need”
“Is a rude awakening to know we're good enough”
This is it, this book is part of your wake up call, a message you have been waiting to hear, it is time for your awakening my good friends. Of course you are good enough, because you were born to do this, and the lives we have lived have given us the perfect preparation with which to carry it out seamlessly. When you know who you really are you will know there is nothing we cannot achieve.
This is not about sameness but in bringing together our great diversity to benefit our world as a whole, with our unique gifts working together to create something very special. Every individual is a treasure so we should really treasure one another. No one person can do it all, but every one person can do something to enrich the lives of others.
It is only when we truly start to live that we can make a living, and I’m not talking about money but love, in finding true love you truly value living. Love lives beyond life and death and is a universal force that reverberates throughout the entire cosmos. It is always there but in the darkness you become cut off from it, and so you try helplessly to get it through others and with material possessions.
Here I have revealed my secrets to you and have been open and honest about the darkest reaches of my character, during the writing of this I came across this fantastic article which resonated perfectly with my line of thinking at the time. Please take the time to check it out and I challenge you to reveal your open secret with the world. When you are open to the world, the world can open up to you; -
The open secret by Elizabeth Lesser
You cannot deny you are ready to open yourself up, otherwise you would have not called yourself here at this moment. The world is eagerly waiting to feel your love and the good news is I feel it in you now. Thank you so much for listening about my life and it was my desire that you now understand a bit more about how this book came about. I ask you to look at how I am now and not judge me on the actions of my past. I afford you the same courtesy as we look to move forward with both our individual and collective stories.